Phantom Illness

Some people appear to be dogged by a series of minor illnesses. Repetitive minor illnesses can have a very negative impact on a relationship, causing one partner to constantly feel burdened with caring and the responsibility of being supportive. If one partner must regularly forego sex, an outing or seeing friends then resentment can build up. If one partner is often forced to go it alone because the other is ill, then the opportunity for straying towards someone more fun and healthier is increased.

Sometimes illness can be used as an avoidance technique in relationships where there are underlying problems. It is important to establish whether the illnesses are real or imagined. If they are phantom, are they a conscious or subconscious avoidance strategy? If you notice a worrying pattern it is best to talk to your partner about what is bothering them and what is being avoided - is it sex, going out to certain places, meeting specific people?

Do you think you or your partner ever used any of the following 'illnesses' in the past year as an excuse to avoid doing something you didn't want to do?

• Headache
• Cold
• Stomach ache
• Period pains
• Aching muscles
• Heartburn or indigestion
• Vague aches and pains
• Too tired.

On those occasions if something more interesting had come along is it possible either of you might have made a rapid recovery? Ask yourself was it a real illness, attention seeking behaviour or were either of you just 'sick and tired' of your unexciting relationship.

Addressing Phantom Illness

There are several common events that often seem to coincide with 'minor illnesses'. These are the most common situations and some ways you could handle the situation.

Sex is refused on grounds of illness. Offer a sympathetic, therapeutic alternative that isn't sex. Provide one of the following:

• Foot massage
• Spine and back massage
• Shoulder and neck massage
• Scalp massage

Make sure you really take your time and put care into it. Do not try to then move towards sex. Only if your partner makes the move should you go along with it.

Going to the pub with friends. If the idea of socialising makes your partner develop a sudden headache don't get irritable. Instead ask them what they would like to do as an alternative and then plan it for the next day as a surprise.

Going to see the in-laws for Sunday lunch. If 'In-lawitis' strikes, then organise a pleasurable activity for before or straight afterwards. It could be anything from a trip to the pub, a shopping trip or a visit to the spa.

A party or work event where your partner doesn't know anyone. Understand that this is a difficult situation. Take the time to explain beforehand that you won't leave them alone and roughly how long you will be there. As soon as you arrive at the party look for one or two people that your partner has something in common with, introduce them and start a conversation. Don't immediately rush off. Stay until your partner begins to relax before mingling on your own. Build trust by keeping a regular eye out making sure your partner is not abandoned as promised. Sweep them up with hug and move on together to another group if necessary.

Remember that your partner may genuinely be ill so before you drag them along to an event or occasion it could be worth checking the thermometer! If your partner is feeling under the weather then gain points by becoming the perfect nurse.